Skip to main content

Why the Rogue One rebels should have called Haynes

Written by webmaster@hayne... On the 0 Comments

 

If you’ve been dismayed by the news that Star Wars: Episode VIII has been delayed by seven months, your galactic palate will no doubt have been sated by the announcement of a new standalone Star Wars film in the meantime. 

 

This week Lucasfilm unveiled the first teaser trailer for Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, the first in several planned ‘anthology’ films that further explore the Star Wars universe beyond the Skywalkers.

 

 

Rogue One will tell the story of the band of rebels who stole Darth Vader’s plans for the Death Star, which allowed Luke Skywalker (and Wedge!) to ultimately destroy it in Episode IV: A New Hope. The cast includes Felicity Jones, Diego Luna, Ben Mendelsohn, Donnie Yen, Jiang Wen, Forest Whitaker, Mads Mikkelsen, Alan Tudyk, and the film is directed by Godzilla’s Gareth Edwards.

 

Rumours also abound of an appearance by Darth Vader, himself - and some have even speculated that the late, great Peter Cushing might be digitally resurrected like Tupac to return as Grand Moff Tarkin.

 

The irony in this, of course, is that the rebels needn’t have gone to such lengths to steal the plans to the Death Star. They could have just come to Haynes! We don’t know how fast the Wi-Fi was long, long ago in that galaxy far, far away, but we assume a connection in Cloud City would be several parsecs fast enough to visit our webstore and buy Haynes’ Imperial Death Star: Owner’s Workshop Manual

 

From battle stations and shield generators down to the best toilets on Sublight Drive Station D-639, our guide would have made the job a whole lot easier. Princess Leia might have even given us a medal.